Bruce Shark

Dear makers of Counter Assault Bear Repellant Spray:

Greetings!

Your product is highly effective, even when not in use against bears or even in the wilderness.

I can, without a doubt say, it is one of the most powerful products on the market. I am certain it could stop not only bears, but quite possibly Godzilla….drunk ….loaded to the max with PCP, heroin, bath salts, 40 red bulls, and 90 shots of espresso.

During mating season.

It proved highly effective when accidentally discharged AT myself…

in utter darkness…

late in the the evening while unclothed…

in the privacy of my bedroom.

The ‘glow in the dark’ tab (good job, there…it really is QUITE glowy) intrigued me, and not knowing what it was, I pulled the 10.2 oz can (with very handy, handsomely made protective cover) out of a box unknowingly labeled “camping gear” in my room.

I did not, admittedly purchase your spray, another family member did, and I was also not the one who placed it carefully in an open box near foot of the bed…

The glowy tab was a very intelligent design idea, it was both easy to see in the dark room and remarkably looked/felt nothing like a safety device atop a highly effective, extremely POTENT grizzly bear repellant…Thinking it was perhaps a fancy high end flashlight or a charming, albeit weird, beverage thermos, I pulled the tab, in the inky darkness, and when I could not decode the purpose, attempted to replace the glowy tab….

….and promptly blasted myself and any and all uncovered parts with your strongest bear spray available…the handy and well made canvas holster was easily grippable, even when in blinding, crippling, impossibly worsening pain…

Even as I threw the entire spray and holster on the hard wood floor, it did not break…Product props due: container and holster are very well made and resilient!

Poison control was very helpful, even at 12:30 a.m., and professionally instructed me on how to rid myself of the HELL FIRE BURNING that consumed every inch of my wounded body. The muffled sound I heard from the woman on the hotline between detailed information was probably NOT laughter…I can only assume she was moved by my hoarse barking as I spilled my predicament, as laughing at anyone who was brave enough to personally test your product would be….well, unprofessional and cruel.

I highly suggest your product, being able to affirm it’s absolute power in stopping any living thing, for many hours (days) without being, in fact, LETHAL…I might have wished I was dead or at least medically placed in a coma until the pain subsided, but I have survived and am smarter and VERY deterred in any future temptations to touch anything glowing in the dark.

Well done, Counter Assault….well done.

Truly,

Bruce Shark

p.s. Hey, your product might be very useful on sexual predators and those who abuse animals…if you use this idea, I can testify to it’s strength for law enforcement and judges who wish to try a different tactic using negative reinforcement behavior modification.

p.p.s please consider adding to the warnings on product:

MAY CAUSE DEAFENING AND REDUNDANT POSSIBLY OFFENSIVE CURSING/SCREAMING OF OBSCENITIES IF PRODUCT MAKES CONTACT WITH SENTIENT VERBAL CREATURES.

DO NOT STORE IN DARK ROOM IN OPEN BOX IF YOU LIVE WITH CURIOUS AND NOT TERRIBLY BRIGHT SPECIES.

http://counterassault.com/bearspray.htm